A Headline or a Story

Throughout the entirety of my life, I have been in conflict. Inner conflict, outer conflict, sometimes known and sometimes unknown. Only recently have I become truly clear on things and why that was the way life was for me. For this, I am incredibly thankful and feel it's my duty to share, so as to potentially broaden one's horizon. I mean, what else are we here for?

The Beginning of Conflict

To begin, I'll start off by saying I'm 29, have a 115-year sentence, and have been incarcerated for the past 11 years, since I was 18. I'm locked up for murder and attempted murder; for shooting two people who were trying to rob me. I'm from Quincy, Illinois and was born and raised there; an only child of 18-year-old parents who were separated.

As a child life was somewhat difficult as both of my parents would often leave me with theirs. My earliest memories are of them being unavailable, merely guests in my existence. I would request them or seek their comfort, but they were elsewhere trying to find the same. What would be for me is time alone, being planted in front of a TV or console to pacify the crying and curiosity. This was the beginning of trauma and depravity; the beginning of conflict.

What I Was Living

Everything wasn't always bad though, I had good times, played sports, had friends. I simply remember more of my hang ups and when I became troublesome — the content I was entertaining by way of screens and abandonments sparking rebellion. I'm every bit of 5 years old watching things like Scarface and The Sopranos, killing hookers on Grand Theft Auto to go on crime sprees. I'm going to school and discussing mischief; being thrown into detentions and psychologist meetings as a result. I became angry, isolated and dejected; feeling sincerely confused and misunderstood as I was only mirroring what I was living.

Adolescence and Escalation

Adolescence and my teenage years carry on with hunting for comfort — fun — finding more vices and punishments in the process. This parent using me against that parent and vice versa, both on their cycle of running through new partners. I move around some, gain and lose many friends, and get introduced to drugs. I get shown the Dark Web where I purchase drugs, entertain beheadings, dismemberments, all types of things. I find porn and become infatuated. I begin to have sex, endure split custody home life, and a never-ending array of suspension, detention and new counselor-psychologists. My entire life is continued conflict; addiction, vice, trauma, emotion, confusion, depression. I didn't know what to think.

The Weight of a Moment

Then comes incarceration. Because of my incarceration I begin to feel I truly messed up. I knew the day I committed my crime I had tweaked, but until I was charged, I didn't know the gravity of what had happened. I just knew I had shot two people and when I left, they were still alive, my impulse decision not factoring that shooting someone might kill them.

After I lose at trial and get convicted, I'm in disbelief at my reality, my judge telling me I'll probably die in prison. Time progresses and appeals don't pan out, my youth fades and I lose people. I fight new depression, loneliness and anxiety. I see how much my impulse decision cost me and how many people it affected. I really try to make sense of things, wrestling with longings and what life is about, what to even make of it. Slowly, I begin to see how things really are and that my way of living wasn't appropriate. I become sober, start to occupy my time productively; working, exercising and reading. I shed old habits and begin to change my outlook. I finally give into God. The One who I questioned and ran from my whole life.

Finding Clarity

You see, prior to prison, I had hit a crossroads multiple times in life with God and always questioned things, but rarely did I come to grand conclusions. I had a general hostility to God and apprehension of hearing of Him. My old man would constantly tell me about Him and the bigger picture, but it never completely swayed me. I didn't feel capable of being different or that I was really in control of anything. I thought I could only do so much before hitting yet another obstacle and hardly saw future. Success and happiness felt out of reach. However, a man named Les Feldick changed all that.

Les was a man my dad mentioned to me, a Bible teacher. I stumbled across him one day on TV not knowing it was him and became enriched by his programs. Les illuminated things and gave me clarity, allowing me to see the Big Picture. My learning took off. I found that the Creator of all things is the God of the Bible and that there's a plan to life. That life is worth living and has tremendous meaning regardless of what circumstance one may find themselves in, that God so loved us that He sent His Son to die for us, providing Him as a sacrifice for our sins. And how all someone has to do is believe Jesus died for our sins, was buried and rose again the third day to freely have a joyous heavenly eternal life. Things began to make sense.

Clarity Through Christ

Overall clarity for me came gradually and ultimately through Christ. It came from reflection, sobriety and a hunger for change to be better, more — to be who I'm supposed to be. It came from all those who never gave up on me and from those who instilled positivity along the way. It came with time by effort and through willingness, by observation, strategy, resilience and discipline. Most importantly it came from God orchestrating in a manner that aligned all things for my growth. It took recognizing everything in life happens for a reason and that sufferings are a given, that they're what you make of them.

Be a Story

So, my message in parting is that our time is short and should be enjoyed and not taken advantage of. It should be lived in a manner submissive to God, Love and His principles. You don't have to be down, depressed, addicted, hopeless, hostile. You have the power to change, the power to live in clarity. It all boils down to choice. Ask yourself: Why are you living? What are you doing to better yourself? Everything's about perspective; once you master that, clarity masters conflict.

With that being said, I thank you for your time and hope you choose to make an impact in life. This one only goes so far. Be more than a headline. Be a story. Also, I want to give a quick word of appreciation to those who have rode my journey with me, as no path is travelled alone. Without them, I don't know where I'd be. Specifically, I must express gratitude for my love Elayna. She's been the catalyst of the profound change I've experienced over the past year, the motivation and drive to push me to new limits, the instrument to help me correct all imperfections. For her, I'm eternally grateful.

Glory be to God that I am not just a headline. Glory be to God that I am a Story of Redemption. All glory and praise be to God.